Reflections: These Train Conversations...

This is a rambling blog, a blog to myself really, to the ether. I'm inching closer to 30, and it seems like things are happening to remind me of how quickly time passes, how fleeting it is. How strange it is that the school years seem to drag on interminably until one day you wake up and you're an adult, and you can't remember the names of people that were once so important and part of your daily consciousness. How your universe expands, and all the little stars stretch out so far from one another and you just can't reach that level of closeness again. Something is suddenly gone, and it can't be recaptured.

I don't feel 30. I wouldn't say I look 30 either. I've always been a strange combination of late bloomer and old soul. My formative years were spent sitting in corners, looking on at my peers with disdain and amusement as they made fools of themselves, making every mistake possible and then some. I watched on, afraid to make my own mistakes, paralyzed by my fear of failure yet imbued with a cocky sense that I would never be in their place, I was much too smart for that. Now I see them grown up, some still tripping over their idiocy, others doing the things society has deemed normal and necessary- getting married, having kids, all the traditional things. I have shunned those things, have no desire to be a mother. I know my limitations, and can't help but feel that some have children simply because it's what's expected, and because they don't know their own limitations. I don't forsee a future in which I would change my mind, but then again, I have always inched along at a snail's pace, resisting change and mourning the little losses. I've made a few mistakes, taken a few wrong roads, but I did so almost intentionally, when faced with the fear that I was approaching a deadline of sorts in which I could really muck things up and have those experiences that my peers stumbled into naturally. Now,who knows who I will become? I remember my 20th birthday like it was yesterday. Have I done enough growing to deserve the past 10 years? I'm not sure. Perhaps I haven't evolved or changed enough.

But the world around me still spins, and things change whether I like it or not, no matter how I kick and scream and pout and stick around in stagnant situations for far too long.  Just found out that my Uncle H was admitted to the hosptial yesterday. Not sure what all is wrong, but it doesn't look good. This just doesn't seem right. It's difficult to imagine him as over 70, having symptoms of dementia, with kidneys shutting down (my grandma died after a difficult experience with Alzheimers 10 years ago, so this is a crushing blow for me). I still see him with a quiet, kind-hearted, slightly bumbling persona, someone who would walk ahead of me and put quarters in the change recepticles of pay phones for me to find when I would unfailingly check them ( I was quite the money hungry child). I still see him and my dad, holed up in the garage at our annual 4th of July cookout, concocting new and more elaborate fireworks like mad scientists in their laboratory.

My parents and I and my aunt and uncle would often go on vacations together, and it seemed like we always went out for New Years Eve and got together for the holidays. But as I've gotten older these get-togethers became less and less frequent, until they've essentially ceased entirely. I'm not sure if it's because the children of the family grew up and there seemed less reason to stay in touch, or times have changed and people just don't stay connected that way anymore. It has always saddened me, and have often wondered why. I have often told my dad, he's your brother, you need to keep in touch more, go to a movie, go out to eat, something. But it seems both my parents and them have gotten more insular, more reclusive, and this scares me. I don't want to be my parent's last link to the outside world, watching their health deteriorate. I have no siblings with which to share that burden, and 30 seems like such a young age to begin such worries. But their health has gone downhill so drastically the past decade, it would be foolish to not consider it. No more vacations together, no New Year's Eve
 dinner- and- a- movie. Those times are gone.

 And sadly enough, I think the last time I saw my Uncle H was at my Uncle B's funeral this past summer, or perhaps at the annual family reunion, when we exchange updates and niceties and promise to get together more often. But it never seems to happen. The fact that my relatives are dying with more regularity, who I've perceived in the past as sort of ageless, has thrown into stark relief my own age, how I need to figure things out, start doing what I'm capable of doing instead of languishing in safe and stifling limbo. 

What is saddest is that I see them so rarely now that I've already been in a process of slow detachment for years. It should hurt more, but what hurts most is that it is a dull ache, a distant and regret filled twinge in the back of my mind. A reminding, chastising voice telling me to hold on to my friends and family, the ones who still want to be held. Because right now, there's too much passing me by.

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1 comment :

  1. Well. So well said. A philosophical sweet soul and profile. So well narrated the reflections of childhood, the memories of by gone days, the speed Time has run by and the changed times. Hope more. Thank You for sharing so the memories and present philosophically.


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