Last Goodbye

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5 Comments
Warning: Bummer post ahead.

I don't do well with death. I especially don't do well with public grief. I don't know what to do or say or where to put my hands or how to hold my own grief in when it threatens to get out, because I try. I try really hard. Because sharing my own grief in public feels like a nightmare where you're walking around naked.
I'm a mess already so I don't know how I can avoid it this time.

In two hours I'm going to see my uncle in hospice, see him for the last time. I've never done this before. I've had family die, somehow I've always avoided actually being there. But I can't do that this time. He was the uncle I was closest to growing up, my godfather. I have to be there. I even took off work today so I could go. There was no way I could go to work and face the possibility of some patron even looking at me the wrong way or complaining about some inane, shallow, pointless issue. I would lose it.

My family has had a rotten couple of weeks. First my great aunt dies, then my other aunt blacks out, falls, breaks her hip, and was then diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a lemon. So last week she had both brain surgery and a hip replacement. She's still in recovery so she won't be able to say goodbye to her brother. This part really bothers me for some reason. If my aunt can be so seriously ill, and my uncle can die today, then so can my dad and my mom. I'm not ready to handle this reality, and I don't even know where to begin. I'm not ready to be at an age where my family starts disappearing on me. But I am, and I have to get up, pull myself together, and somehow get ready to say my last goodbye. One foot in front of the other.


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5 comments :

  1. I'm very sorry to hear this. Have been in similar positions, although never so much bad news at once. All I can say is that at least you have the opportunity to say goodbye. Sudden deaths are far more difficult, in my opinion, to deal with. At least your Uncle knows that he is surrounded by people who love him. I will be thinking of you and hoping for your Aunts positive recovery!

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  2. I am sorry to hear this and I understand how you feel. I think one of the worst parts of growing up is ageing parents and relatives. It is such a harsh reality of life. It sucks when you can't do anything about it. Sucks even more when you are so far away from home that you can't be there for them even for little things. You can never be prepared for these things, sudden or not. You can only get a bit of satisfaction and relief by telling them how much they mean to you and how much you love and respect them, I guess, at least what I try to do but it is so hard sometimes :( I dread all those middle of the night phone calls from home and all the time it is mum calling me to ask if I ate or not. It drives me mad!
    Hugs to you and I hope you get through this difficult time soon xoxo

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  3. I am so sorry hunny. Death seriously sucks. Big time. And I'm bad at dealing with it too. I don't know if anyone is good at handling it! I'm glad you took off work. No need to put yourself though any more unnecessary stress. Sometimes funerals can help with the grieving process though. I was too scared and sad to go to my grandma's funeral when I was 14, but I've really regretted it. I think funerals/memorial services are more a celebration of their life and their impact on everyone attending. At any rate, my heart goes out to you. Please email me if you ever need anything or need to "talk," my email address is BrightestStarOfAll@gmail.com

    Also, I know what you mean about thinking about losing your parents. That thought scares the crap out of me too.

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  4. I don't have anything useful to say in this situation, but I'm thinking of you. *hugs* I hope you're doing okay.

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  5. I'm very sorry about both your aunt and your uncle. I've never handled grief or difficult situations very well.

    I'm thinking about you and your family.

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Please leave me comments if anything strikes your fancy or if you have any helpful suggestions. Remember, I'm no expert and am just sharing my truth. Hopefully you will find something useful to take with you!

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