Ah, I was doing so well there for a while, posting all over the place. I have so many new scents and things I could be reviewing, but finding the energy to write lately has been hard. Because now of course the holidays are gone, with nothing to distract me from the elephant in the room that is looming over me and sitting on my chest. Most of this is work related. Our library system is undergoing a MASSIVE overhaul, and everything is changing. It's becoming LIBRARY, with one of those little trademark sign thingies next to it. Branded everything. Job titles changing, have no idea what exactly I'll be doing. Our little run-down branch is closing and we're merging with two other small branches into this huge shiny new branch with state of the art technology, a cafe, and virtually no personal spaces or proper desks to call our own. I have spent considerable minutes fretting about only having one staff restroom, despite having 3x the staff . I guess all the money they've spent on new gadgets and fancy furniture, they forgot about the fact that we are in fact human (not automatons) and do need to pee on occasion.

The one thing that made my job enjoyable is doing displays and artwork, making flyers, signs, etc. Will I be able to do this at the new library? While I've been assured that "every effort" will be made to allow staff to continue doing special tasks they prefer, with all the new branding and homogenization, I have come to the conclusion that this too will be taken away. It's going to be loud, busy, stressful, with no where to hide. A lot of our time will be spent on the floor as "greeters." My blood pressure is rising just at the thought of this. In addition, the only real acquaintance/ friend I had here got a gig at another branch just recently, so I am quite alone here now, with no one to commiserate with over all this nonsense. Just me and the few marbles I still have rolling around in my head. So it seems silly that I would cling to something that doesn't benefit me just because it's familiar and somewhat comfortable. I feel like when Red in The Shawshank Redemption talked about longtime prisoner Brooks being an "institutional man":

These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them. That's institutionalized.


I guess some days I feel like I'm institutionalized too. I loathed these walls when I came here 9 years ago (where did the time go?!), then I got used to them. Now I'm being forced to leave and start over with new staff, and new walls, and I'm scared shitless. It seems so pathetic, doesn't it? Change can be good, it can be cathartic, it can shake the cobwebs from your eyes. I really wish I could be one of those people who is super optimistic and YAY! GUNG HO CHANGE! But some days I can't see those possibilities at all and feel nothing but dread and skepticism and immense loneliness and fear that I'm the only one crazy enough to feel this way. Some days it feels like nothing more than impending doom for someone like me. Even though I've been around the block long enough to know that sooner or later I'll accept these new walls like they've been there all along, and I'll become institutionalized all over again.   

EDIT (a few weeks later):                            

All this stress and anxiety has literally been causing my blood pressure to be high, so recently my doctor put me on a medication to help me with the anxiety rather than start me on blood pressure meds. It's extremely new to me as I've always dealt with my anxiety on my own with varying degrees of success. It's been a difficult adjustment so far and I had a lot of side effects at first that were concerning. But I think it's finally starting to settle in and I'm starting to feel human again and like myself for the most part, not a zombie.The big work changes are going to be happening in the next few months so I won't make promises to post a ton during this time, but I really want to keep up with all the great scents I've been trying and do them justice. It just doesn't help me to put pressure on myself to post, only to feel like a failure when I don't come through-as it's only my own expectations, no one else's.
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